Fort Bragg, NC – A recent study published by the US Special Operations Command (USSOCOM) is changing the way leaders look at recruiting for elite units within the military. It was previously believed that most service members tried out for the rigorous selection and training that most operators must endure to challenge themselves and serve their country at a higher level. As the study reveals, that’s not necessarily the case. We reached out to a few operators who are currently serving to get their take on each reason the study cites.

  1. They want to grow a beard. Staff Sergeant Dennis Bumenthal, a weapons sergeant in the Army’s 5th Special Forces Group, said, “Of course that’s why I wanted to go SF. I mean, beards are the single most iconic aspect of being operator as fuck. When times got hard out on the STAR Course during SFAS, I just pulled out the picture of my ‘drive-on beard’ to look at for motivation. I carry it everywhere I go. What really upsets me though, is when I see these damn hipsters culturally appropriating our beards. I mean, if you want to grow a beard, then man-the-fuck-up and go to selection!”13906603_1749502568638468_5641415969081337784_n
  2. They want to put their hands in their pockets. Tech Sergeant John Liton, a Pararescueman in the U.S. Air Force, said “I can see where they may have found this result in the study, but lets be honest, everyone in the Air Force puts their hands in their pockets. I really didn’t have to go through PJ Indoc to stick my meat beaters into my trousers. I went through PJ Indoc to stick my meat beaters into my trousers at an undisclosed location somewhere in the world.”
  3. They miss using their first name. Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 2nd Class Hank McLaughlin, a Navy SEAL from NSW Team 2, said, “I never got why the military has such a hard on for using your last name for everything. As a Team Guy, we are very cognizant of the fact that we have to start building brand awareness for our full name early on, since that’s what’s going on the cover of our book. I mean, can you imagine a book with just a last name on the cover? That would be ridiculous!”
  4. To facilitate the picking up of chicks. Sergeant Dillon Hardon, a team leader in the Army’s 1st Ranger Battalion, said, “This is a no-brainer, although I would say Ranger panties are a close second if I’m being honest. Do you think I’d be able to go downtown in Savannah and get any girl I want if I was in the 3rd ID? Fuck no! Chicks want that Ranger Dick – especially the artsy ones from SCAD! The day I graduated RASP my dick grew an inch and I couldn’t take two steps without having a girl stare at me. Hashtag worth it!”
  5. Because they hate their current unit and selection is the only way out. Sergeant Pete Ames, from the 2nd Marine Special Operations Battalion, said, “Of course I’m proud of my time as a fleet Marine, but… that shit sucked. You would be amazed at the fuck-fuck games that go on when you strand a bunch of Marines on a boat in the middle of the ocean for months at a time. I signed a six-year contract, so for me, there was only two ways out: Go to MARSOC or steal a 45-pound plate from the gym and tie it to me before jumping overboard. I think I made the right decision. Oh, and we get to grow beards here – so that’s pretty sweet too.”

In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!

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