Sacramento, CA – In the latest assault on the Second Amendment, the governor of California signed legislation in to law that bans all accurate firearms. The bill, which was titled the Kids Lives Matter Act, was sponsored by Senator Kevin De Leon of California’s 24th District, and will take effect on January 1st, 2017. The legally complex document has been heralded as legislation that is “hard to understand” and “makes no sense,” but proponents of the new law say that it will save lives while allowing firearms owners to keep their “death guns.”800px-kevin_de_leon_2012

Senator De Leon, who was present when the governor signed the bill into law, said, “I took a lot of heat for my comments on the ghost gun, and I don’t think it was fair to marginalize my life-saving efforts just because I don’t know anything about guns. I mean, I literally know nothing about them – but that shouldn’t matter. With this legislation, we have shown that we can and will compromise with the racist, homophobic gun owners of California in the name of saving lives. They can keep their guns, as long as they aren’t very accurate.”

Many firearms enthusiasts are alarmed at what the details of the law entail. Bill Sharpe, a mechanic and Iraq war veteran from Redding, CA said, “I mean, they literally said we cannot own a gun that is capable of shooting anything better than a 12” MOA. That’s ridiculous! If I am in a self defense situation, I’ll end up shooting someone innocent instead of the bad guy!” Sharpe said that he wrote his district representatives about the outlandish requirement, but said that the only response he received was, “what’s an MOA?”

Unlike many recent gun laws passed around the country in the wake of mass shootings, the Kids Lives Matter Act does not offer current gun owners any wiggle room via a grandfather clause. The law specifies that all existing guns be de-militarized to comply with the law via “bending the barrel, sticking gum on the bolt face, or removing all sights from the weapon.”

It seems that there is no hope left to change the newly passed law for California gun owners, so they are setting their sights on the next fight. Sharpe commented, “Those moldy taint hairs down in the California legislature are trying to ban ammunition that has gun powder. They are trying to say that if we have bullets, ‘what more do we need?’ Fuck those guys!”

 

Editors Note: At the time of this article, Senator De Leon still did not know anything about firearms.

In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!

Join the discussion 27 Comments

  • Cody Boots says:

    Are all the police going to comply with this new law and issue standard Hi-Point?

  • Max says:

    WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKTARDS!?!?!?!?!?::?

  • Gibreaux says:

    This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have read all day… and yet I could actually see representatives doing this in the name of “safety.” That is truly sad.

  • In the name of God, PLEASE tell me this is satire!

  • Don says:

    “I took a lot of heat for my comments on the ghost gun, and I don’t think it was fair to marginalize my life-saving efforts just because I don’t know anything about guns. I mean, I literally know nothing about them – but that shouldn’t matter. With this legislation, we have shown that we can and will compromise with the racist, homophobic gun owners of California in the name of saving lives. They can keep their guns, as long as they aren’t very accurate.”
    AYFKM???

  • Patrick says:

    All you got to do is just say “NO” people.And that means everybody that owns a gun in Commyfornia.JUST SAY NO !

  • Jeremy says:

    I love a good satire.

  • Werner says:

    ONLY in California!! Thank God you guys are stuck with asshole’s like Jerry Brown!!!! Why is it that any elected official that cooks this kind of crap up don’t know anything about firearms? I’am an X police officer and I have been in and seen situations where it takes a good guy with a gun to stop a bad guy with a BAT, HAMMER, MEAT CLEAVER,SHOVELS, CARS, BACKHOE’S ect,ect…..!!! You want my guns, YOU legislators can get off your ass’s and ATTEMPT to come get them. Don’t send police officers or Nat’l Guard guys, Send yourself, or better yet some of your over priveleged son’s to my home. Come out from behind YOUR armed to the teeth security personal and back-up what you pass. The criminal’s don’t give a damn about gun free zones they welcome them. I’m 60 years old now have had 2 heart attack’s, AAA surgery, 3 amputation to the right leg above the knee and I Will defend my family, my home, my life and anyone else that can’t defend themselves by what ever it takes. And if I have to carry a gun that is against your wishes………..TO F*CKING BAD!!!!…AGAIN…”COME GET UM!!!

  • BK Lee says:

    SO … I guess it’s Senator Kevin De Leon’s fault when one of these inaccurate weapons kills and innocent? SWAT will no longer be able to snipe any farther than what … 100 feet? You know how you fix this … vote his stupid ass out or short him while aiming at a bird!

  • Michael Bastian says:

    Ha ha, funny shit, motherfuckers. We got enough bullshit to deal with in this state without asshat shit like this that some dumbfucks will actually believe. You just lost a customer.

  • Miskondukt says:

    Satire? I can’t find any other reference of this “Kids Lives Matter Act” anywhere but here. Or just piddling shat to try and sell?

  • Peter Gerkin says:

    I hope this is satire

  • lonnie says:

    What is the state bill number?

  • Gabe says:

    So they woud rather someone not be able to hit a specific target but rather a random taget next to the intended target? Makes total common sense. Guns r bad mmmmmkay!

  • travis says:

    making them inaccurate will make them only useful for crime. the reason they did it though is so they will be useless in defense against the dictatorship that is “usa”. we have been enslaved, and the walls are made of paperwork. go do whatever you want in your free time, after you take care of responsibilities after work after paying taxes if you can afford it. nevermind just stare and your cell

  • Josh says:

    WTF is this

  • B.Zerker says:

    Would someone out there in CA grow a pair and please take this advice: have De Leon and EVERY legislator that voted to enact this or any other gun control regulation arrested for the federal felonies of Conspiracy Against Rights (Title 18, USC, Sec. 241) and Deprivation Of Rights (Title 18, USC, Sec. 242). Both of these federal laws were enacted back when this republic was sane. They offer EVERY American citizen “remedy” against the government(s), both state and federal, if and when they attempt to, or succeed in depriving us of rights that are “secured” by the U.S. Constitution. If I still lived in CA and my rights were affected, I’d be searching for a federal judge that is friendly toward Second Amendment (2A) freedoms and filing these charges against De Leon and ALL of the other freedom stealing traitors in Sacramento. This includes the Governor who enacted it/them. The penalties for violation of these codes are severe – ten years to life in federal prison! This action WILL send the message to legislators and governors and future legislators and governors nation wide that we will fight them tooth and nail when they overstep their constitutionally limited authority and attempt to bastardize our constitutional guarantees.

    We can thank Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito for their recent decisions in the Heller and McDonald cases. The Heller decision confirmed that as Americans, we have the “individual” and “fundamental” constitutional right to keep (own) and bear (possess) arms for lawful purposes. McDonald went further by confirming that that right MUST be honored by the states. And since the language of 2A does NOT specifically state that government(s) are allowed to restrict or prohibit a certain sub-set of “arms”, to do what CA’s is doing with this and all previous restrictions/prohibitions is an unconstitutional act! This is supported by Article VI, Clause 2 which states that the U.S. Constitution is the “Supreme Law” that ALL states are bound by and the landmark SCOTUS decision Marbury v. Madison (5 US 137) which states that ‘No provision of the Constitution is designed to be without effect and that anyTHING that is in conflict with its guarantees is null and void of law.’

    Then if you really wanna get nasty, the USC also offers us “recourse”. This comes in the form of Title 42, USC, Sec 1983 which states that anyone (including politicians and judges) that deprives us of a constitutionally “secured” right is liable in a suit of equity. This means that we can sue them for ALL of their assets and leave them and their families destitute in addition to sending them all to Leavenworth.

  • 12BVet says:

    The sad truth is that there are politicians who think this way.

  • Sam says:

    I was never raised around firearms and when I decided to purchase one, in my 20’s, I was still living in California. After the background check and waiting 10 days, I signed up for a basic pistol class. I bought a firearms book that a lawyer wrote, “Things To Know Before Purchasing A Firearm In California”, or something similar to that title. Reading that book, it taught me the laws of owning a firearm in California of what I can and cannot do and come cases that were tried in court. After taking the pistol class it went more in depth with not only safety but how to draw, reload, and respect the firearm. There are many laws and cases regarding firearms in California and it has gotten to the point where the only thing similar to a firearm you may own is either a pellet gun or a paintball gun. No longer living in California I now know what it is to be free and appreciate my 2A and not wonder if authorities will be at my front door to collect my firearm, under new laws. I now live in Louisiana where the firearm laws much more relaxed, it is an open carry state, no 10 day wait, minimal restrictions, and a shall issue state. I do believe that if purchasing a firearm the first time a class should be required. The more you train, the more you know, the better you are. That’s the sum of my two cents, thank you.

  • Lox Thomson says:

    In order to be responsible you need to note that is fiction/fantasy.

  • Darren says:

    Funniest thing I have read pretty much in the last 20 years. Particularly because De Leon is perfectly capable of doing something like this. Whomever the true author is, I love you.

  • Kurt says:

    I long for the day Kalifonia breaks off and floats away into the pacific sunset…and sinks.

  • Scott M says:

    Is this satire? Sadly in CA I can hardly tell anymore.

    • Scott Lambin says:

      Scott-
      Yes indeed it is satire. Although I would venture to say that legislature such as this would pass if presented. California could be one of the coolest places on earth if it weren’t being run into the ground by idiots!

      -Scott

  • Roger says:

    First, let me thank you guys for giving me an alternative to Fuckbucks and giving me a company to support that I don’t wince every time I spend my money!
    I lived in California most of my life and, unfortunately, I had to check the title to see if this was a satirical article. Nothing would surprise me coming out of the Peoples Republic.
    I moved out of State when I retired last year partly because of the litany of anti-gun initiatives on the 2016 ballot on top of the all the other anti-freedom laws on the books there!
    Thanks again for your service and look forward to purchasing more of your product in the future!

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