Sacramento, CA – In the latest assault on the Second Amendment, the governor of California signed legislation in to law that bans all accurate firearms. The bill, which was titled the Kids Lives Matter Act, was sponsored by Senator Kevin De Leon of California’s 24th District, and will take effect on January 1st, 2017. The legally complex document has been heralded as legislation that is “hard to understand” and “makes no sense,” but proponents of the new law say that it will save lives while allowing firearms owners to keep their “death guns.”
Senator De Leon, who was present when the governor signed the bill into law, said, “I took a lot of heat for my comments on the ghost gun, and I don’t think it was fair to marginalize my life-saving efforts just because I don’t know anything about guns. I mean, I literally know nothing about them – but that shouldn’t matter. With this legislation, we have shown that we can and will compromise with the racist, homophobic gun owners of California in the name of saving lives. They can keep their guns, as long as they aren’t very accurate.”
Many firearms enthusiasts are alarmed at what the details of the law entail. Bill Sharpe, a mechanic and Iraq war veteran from Redding, CA said, “I mean, they literally said we cannot own a gun that is capable of shooting anything better than a 12” MOA. That’s ridiculous! If I am in a self defense situation, I’ll end up shooting someone innocent instead of the bad guy!” Sharpe said that he wrote his district representatives about the outlandish requirement, but said that the only response he received was, “what’s an MOA?”
Unlike many recent gun laws passed around the country in the wake of mass shootings, the Kids Lives Matter Act does not offer current gun owners any wiggle room via a grandfather clause. The law specifies that all existing guns be de-militarized to comply with the law via “bending the barrel, sticking gum on the bolt face, or removing all sights from the weapon.”
It seems that there is no hope left to change the newly passed law for California gun owners, so they are setting their sights on the next fight. Sharpe commented, “Those moldy taint hairs down in the California legislature are trying to ban ammunition that has gun powder. They are trying to say that if we have bullets, ‘what more do we need?’ Fuck those guys!”
Editors Note: At the time of this article, Senator De Leon still did not know anything about firearms.
In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!