Denver, CO – According to researchers at the Institute of Sexual Health in Denver, drinking black coffee has been found to offer a variety of benefits to both men and women during sexual activity. The double blind study, which looked at more than 3,786 women and 4,125 men over the course of five years, is being lauded as one of the most significant breakthroughs in sexual health since the invention of the lambskin condom in the 15th century.

Since the press conference releasing the study’s findings, coffee sales have skyrocketed and adult actors and actresses have been signing up for subscription coffee services to fuel their busy days on set. Dani Delicious, an adult actress who is known for her proclivity towards pizza deliverymen, said, “I used to think snorting a line of coke before my scenes was the only way to truly get ready, but now I skip that and go straight for a pot of coffee. You have to be safe though, I drank two full pots of coffee before a big scene last week, and literally broke a guys dick off. It was really gruesome, but he was also kind of a pussy so I’m not entirely sure it was the coffee that did it…”12246695_631546533649915_5746107667283919619_n

Dr. Miles Sanders, the lead researcher in the effort, said, “We set out to explore the veracity of aphrodisiacs on the body, and went through many of the old standbys like seafood and chocolate. It wasn’t until we hit black coffee that we truly made a breakthrough. Once the participants hit the three-cup threshold, they turned into what we came to call ‘sex zombies’ with an insatiable appetite for sexual contact.”

Men who took part in the study said that they experienced seemingly endless erections and limitless amounts of, what one part participant named ‘Bubba’ called, “Bubba’s Bangin’ Baby Batter.” When asked to clarify, he said that he was referring to his semen. For women, many said that the key for them was to ditch all the “fru-fru” creamer, sugar, and other similar distractions to a good cup of coffee. One participant, who asked to be referred to only as ‘Nancy’, said, “The key is to get pure, black coffee. The days of adding pumpkin-spice-this and whip-cream-that are over for me. No sir, three cups of black coffee and some peanut butter for calorie replacement and I can literally fuck for 48 hours straight.”

The claims that the study makes are certainly compelling, but only time will tell if the method is truly safe. One emergency room doctor has said that he has seen an alarming rise in patients who come in due to “sex related injuries.” A Little Rock, Arkansas based doctor, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I think it’s great that more folks are finding a way to connect, but it seems safety has been thrown out the window. Sure, I’m used to seeing the occasional flashlight stuck in a rectum or someone who took whipping a little too far.” The doctor, who is clearly someone that is not easily impressed, continued, saying, “What’s been happening lately though, has pushed me to the limits of my medical expertise. For example, just the other day I had a gentleman come in who ‘self-circumcised’ to make himself more…these are his words, not mine… ‘aerodynamic in the vag-pipe’. The problem with his self-circumcision is that he used a rusty spoon engraved with the faces of Mount Rushmore, and took a little bit too much off.”

Will the results of this study do more harm than good? Only time will tell. Until then, doctors are encouraging everyone to stretch, make sure to take breaks to eat, and to hydrate properly with water in addition to their coffee intake.


In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!

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