Brooklyn, New York – Initial reports are coming in that a local Brooklyn man has received minor burns on his lips from a drink served to him at an area coffee shop. The man has reportedly been released from the emergency room, with medical staff saying that due to medical privacy laws they cannot release any information other than the patient’s condition was stable upon his discharge.

Hipster cafe owner playing accordion at bar counter

Hipster cafe owner playing accordion… This is the kind of  shit we need to stop.

According to interviews with other patients in the hospital at the same time, he was uninjured due to his excessive use of lip-gloss, which prevented any actual physical harm or need for medical care. The Brooklyn man was allegedly heard telling the medical staff that, “Not all injuries are physical (sic), my feelings were definitely hurt and I’m not positive but my safe space was also probably violated by that inconsiderate barista! Don’t you have any medicine for the breach of a man’s safe space?”

According to official police reports obtained by BRCC Action News 7, the accused barista said that he served the Brooklyn transplant a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots, no foam latte, with free-range whip, two packets of organic splenda, one sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and three short sprinkles of cinnamon. The barista, employed by local coffee shop The Flannel Bean, also claims that it was served at the same exact temperature he serves every customer’s drink: Hot. Law enforcement officials say they have no plans to arrest the barista at this time.

Local Brooklyn citizens are outraged about the incident, claiming that this is only the most recent incident in a rash of personal safe zone violations from inconsiderate baristas, anyone that is cis-gendered, bus drivers, Wal-Mart greeters, and Red Cross volunteers. A local community organizer who only referred to himself as Auden, said that, “I don’t really believe in labels, but this is clearly an act of white aggression that is the result of centuries of misogynistic attitudes. If this barista smoked menthols and listened to more post-current experimental tribal funk like the rest of us, this tragedy would have never happened.”

At this time, the New York City mayor’s office has said that they do not have any plans to address the issue, citing a long-standing policy to just send more PBR to the borough if things get out of hand.

In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!

Join the discussion 6 Comments

  • hori says:

    this is why i would buy a shit ton of your coffee. i did, but oversea transportation is fucking expensive. i also would like to point out that this doesn’t happen in central/eastern Europe.
    our method is: “a half de-caf no foa…” “espresso or gtfo”. sweet ignorance, we don’t even know half of these words
    on an unrelated note, do you plan to expand to Europe?

  • Robert S Moulds says:

    What is a barista? aren’t they waiters and safe space he is America not a failed state no one will kill him though as a beatnik chick just order the damn no nonsense coffee. Hardly safe for one’s sanity though I like Auden accordion I’ll read him on the road by Jack Kerovac. Then tell him jack played football college and served in the US marines oh the irony he is grand father of the hipster yet would do such things. Wonder if the Flannel bean is hiring I’ll say I’m not a barista I’m waitress wearing a stupid flannel shirt from a unwashed dork.

  • Ruston says:

    That must have been the cis gendered thing that was caught in a ladies facility, with a camera. Unfortunately, it was two cities away from me. That is why I ordered your coffee, to stomp a messy mudhole in any confused degenerate. The coffee will get me there fast. And on the way I will moon every hipster my hairy ass, thanks to your coffee.

  • dale jodoin says:

    so fuuny

  • Cathy says:

    Lol!!! I used to smoke cigarettes when I was in nurses training( crazy I know)…-and they were menthol..I thought I was so “Kool”…got hooked on coffee during my rotation in the OR….. and to this day….(and that was 42 YEARS ago)….no coffee ever tasted as good As the coffee in the break room. Who knows what was in it.. Those OR techs always had a kink to themselves….

  • Scott says:

    THIS is why I buy a shit ton of your coffee.

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