Brooklyn, New York – Initial reports are coming in that a local Brooklyn man has received minor burns on his lips from a drink served to him at an area coffee shop. The man has reportedly been released from the emergency room, with medical staff saying that due to medical privacy laws they cannot release any information other than the patient’s condition was stable upon his discharge.
According to interviews with other patients in the hospital at the same time, he was uninjured due to his excessive use of lip-gloss, which prevented any actual physical harm or need for medical care. The Brooklyn man was allegedly heard telling the medical staff that, “Not all injuries are physical (sic), my feelings were definitely hurt and I’m not positive but my safe space was also probably violated by that inconsiderate barista! Don’t you have any medicine for the breach of a man’s safe space?”
According to official police reports obtained by BRCC Action News 7, the accused barista said that he served the Brooklyn transplant a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots, no foam latte, with free-range whip, two packets of organic splenda, one sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and three short sprinkles of cinnamon. The barista, employed by local coffee shop The Flannel Bean, also claims that it was served at the same exact temperature he serves every customer’s drink: Hot. Law enforcement officials say they have no plans to arrest the barista at this time.
Local Brooklyn citizens are outraged about the incident, claiming that this is only the most recent incident in a rash of personal safe zone violations from inconsiderate baristas, anyone that is cis-gendered, bus drivers, Wal-Mart greeters, and Red Cross volunteers. A local community organizer who only referred to himself as Auden, said that, “I don’t really believe in labels, but this is clearly an act of white aggression that is the result of centuries of misogynistic attitudes. If this barista smoked menthols and listened to more post-current experimental tribal funk like the rest of us, this tragedy would have never happened.”
At this time, the New York City mayor’s office has said that they do not have any plans to address the issue, citing a long-standing policy to just send more PBR to the borough if things get out of hand.
In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!