The Army has seen a rapid decline in traditional land navigation proficiency over the past decade, with many soldiers citing the advent of GPS as a reason for their lack of skill with a compass and map. According to sources on the ground at the home of the airborne, one soldier is finding that technology has reinvigorated him on the landnav lanes. Private Kevin Fupa recently nailed all five points during his unit’s bi-centennial landnav training event, a perfect score. What’s his secret? Pokemon Go.
“I actually had no intention of participating in the test, so I just decided to see if there was a Pikachu hiding out there. Turns out, there were all sorts of Pokemon sitting right next to these orange and white signs with numbers and letters on them,” said Private Fupa enthusiastically. Fupa was shocked to find out he not only passed, but collected a perfect score on the lanes, “I literally haven’t passed a single test since joining the Army. I’m honestly not sure what shady shit they had to do to let me walk on graduation day for basic and AIT. My recruiter told me if I was good at Call of Duty, I would do fine in the Infantry. I guess he was only partially right; turns out it’s my skill with Pokemon Go that has been the biggest help.”
His fellow paratroopers were shocked that the young Private outperformed his usual standard of incompetence. One soldier, Specialist Rogers, said, “We call him Fucked Up Fupa. He is one of the dumbest Privates I have ever seen. We had him convinced for an entire month that the BFA on a .50 cal was a rail gun attachment that made it shoot lasers. When we took the BFA’s off for our night live fire, he freaked the fuck out that they were still ‘misfiring’ lasers. He was referring to the tracers…” His leadership had a different take on the outcome of the training though. His team leader, Sergeant Davis, said, “Thank God for Pokemon, I’m just glad he passed. Having a soldier that knows how to use a compass is an instant 1/1 on your next NCOER these days. I really needed this after having that chick take my spot at Pre-Ranger.”
At the time of this article, it is not clear if Private Fupa was wearing his reflective belt during the test or not, which may have increased his chances of survival on the treacherous landnav lanes. After his newfound success as a soldier, he’s hoping that he’ll get a coin from the battalion commander so that he can, “score some hot bitches.” It’s not clear if Fupa has ever actually talked to someone of the opposite sex or not.
In case you haven’t already figured it out, this article is satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. So don’t get your fucking panties into a bunch!